Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I wish things never went the way they did.
I wish Your dreams were mine...
OR that my dreams were Yours.
I’m so selfish by nature, You may have realised. Have I forgotten that I’m a slave to You now & that really and truly, I should have no agenda of my own?
I suppose I just went along with Your free Gift Lord; not necessarily accepting the fact that with the Gift comes death to self. It seems I thought the Gift was more of an accessory to life.
You should’ve found me repulsive because of that but instead... You called me.
You called me closer and closer to You but I fought and squirmed like a child displeased with what You had to offer.
“No thank you!” I screamed. “Can’t you see I’m fine!?”
You didn’t seem surprised at my reaction.
You reached for my hand but I clutched tightly to what I wanted (& sometimes still want).
You waited...& waited...
And out of frustration and partial surrender, I released my grip, allowing my ‘stuff’ to fall.
My name You whispered, inviting me to take another step. Not only did You want me to surrender what I had; You wanted me to receive something else; hold onto to a greater fascination. I quickly flashed my arms and then folded them; leaving them that way for a while.
“You’re being unfair Daddy!!” I complained. “What about Your other children?!”
His love began to feel like unwanted attention. I couldn’t see WHY my life was such a big deal. Why’d it matter so much to Him, what I held onto?
I thought the fact that I am His would be enough.
I stood there still, with my back turned and folded arms, occasionally glancing to the side to see if He’d left.
He was still there. He wouldn’t leave.
He looked patient, loving; even though I’ve been a terrible child. I began to reflect and my heart sank. My burden finally weighed me down and I collapsed.
Still He was there...
“Come”, He whispered.
“I ... I can’t make it Lord.”
“Come” He whispered again.
“I don’t deserve it! I’m bitter Lord.”
“Just come my love.” He urged.
I crawled to His feet where I just laid, Desolately
trying to muster up the strength to murmur “Help me”, but the words would not come out...
So there I laid silently, desperately, with no life, no thoughts, no desires...
Knowing somewhere inside that
He’d lift me up.